One Easter, I was having breakfast with a small crowd of guys in a restaurant. The only thing we had in common was that we all liked girls. The youngest one of us, who was very good at getting girls, had explained this alone hadn’t made him happier. He had, in the past, nevertheless been suicidal.
He and his friend overwhelmed the conversation, talking about people who weren’t there and no one else knew. I told them a few times to talk about something else, but they kept coming back around to people nobody knew.
“If you don’t like it then you talk about something,” they told me.
“All right,” I said. “This is Easter. Easter is the anniversary of what event?”
“The crucifixion,” the youngest one of us said.
“Right. And do you know what happened to Christ after he died?”
“I don’t know. He went to heaven?”
“No, he didn’t. He went to hell. He spent three days in hell, and then he came back to check in with his followers.”
“You know what he did in hell?”
“He went all the way to the bottom and found Judas. And he pulled him out of there. Judas suicided before the crucifixion.”
A Swedish guy, who was Christian, spoke up. “That doesn’t make any sense, Conrad. Judas was the one who betrayed him.”
“Well I guess Jesus just wasn’t a real resentful guy.”
“Where did you get that?”
I don’t actually remember, and didn’t at the time, so I said, “It’s one major theory.” I think I was overstating the case. It’s an idea that someone wrote about in the Middle Ages.
This crowd was mostly into the pickup scene. One of them told me later that you don’t talk about politics, money or religion — these are the three forbidden topics. I do not think he meant these topics were forbidden in the seduction community. I think he meant not talking about them was Just A Good Idea.
Then something interesting happened.
The conversation drifted back to sex and seduction, but kept the religious thread. I guess I kept that thread going. The other seduction guy (Entropy) mentioned, “People who say they have a fetish don’t know what the word means. When someone has a real fetish they can’t get sexually aroused without the fetish being present.”
“In that sense, I have a fetish for pregnant lesbian nuns,” I told them, to general laughter.
“Oh? And how did you get that?”
I thought. “Hypnotherapy does not always go smoothly,” I explained.
The guys laughed. A few said, “Whaaat?”
They talked about the pregnant lesbian nuns a bit, and I confessed it was sacrilegious. “Because the idea is nuns are married to Christ.”
The youngest guy sat up straight, his eyes shining. “Hey that’d be a good one. Can y’imagine seducing a nun?”
The other seduction guy got right into it. He said, “There ya go! You’d be like, ‘After all, you know your old man will forgive you.'”
Now they were in competition, and most of the guys didn’t know how to react. Delighted, the younger one said, “Yeah, you could, like, put ’em up against the cross and bang ’em there.”
“I think they call that getting nailed,” I offered.
General hilarity. I had won, and everyone knew it. But there was a difference:
The sudden competition I had won in everyone’s eyes because I had out-done the pickup guys on their own ground. They told me a few times that day I could do stand-up comedy, I was so funny.
But in my eyes I had won because I’d tricked them into expressing love for the Christ in the way they understood best. The vocabulary of that expression was a perverse one, but I’d argue to a shocked Christian (if the conversation was worth having) that this is just because of mankind’s fallen nature. And since the fallen nature is what Christianity tries to reach, I considered this approach to be correct.
There’s a song (free, online) that takes this approach further, does it better: “Jesus Calling Jesus,” by the Nails. Their entire Corpus Christi album’s downloadable. They’re better known for 88 Lines About 44 Women, which is okay; but JCJ pushes sacrilegious perversity so far it flips over and becomes sacred.